Matt Clary's Blog
InFLATE Rape: The Return of “Pumpkin Fucker”

In Hamilton, Ohio, a man named Charles Tobergta was arrested June 17th for standing outside his backdoor ass naked and having sex with an inflatable pool toy in front of a 10-year-old girl. As incredibly bizarre as this is, what’s even more bizarre is that this isn’t the first time.

He was arrested in 2011 for fucking a stolen inflatable raft in the alley behind his house; so yeah, pretty much the exact same thing. But give Tobergta a break, he isn’t a total weirdo; he’s also had some other run of the mill arrests for public indecency that by all accounts did not involve any type of inflatable and/or rubber item. So get off his case guys, he doesn’t have to fuck an inflatable raft every time he whips his dick out in public, just sometimes.

But Tobergta actually escaped the long arm of the law during his finest hour. Back in 2002, a man, which was most definitely this dude unless Hamilton, Ohio carries the dubious distinction of being the inflatable-rape capital of the world, was spotted having sex with an inflatable pumpkin Halloween decoration. This time, the assailant escaped, but not before leaving his mark in more ways than one.

The Dayton Daily News stated that this incident “earned Tobergta a rather ‘interesting’ nickname around Hamilton related to inflatable pumpkins.” I’m not 100% sure what this nickname is, but my gut is telling me it has to be “Pumpkin Fucker.” So old Pumpkin Fucker has been at it for over a decade, and I’m not really thinking this is the type of thing one can brush off as a “phase.” I mean this guy probably can’t see a water wing without getting a chubby; that seems like a problem that is in it for the long haul.

I’m picturing his house just packed to the brim with hundreds of semen-encrusted pool toys of every color and style imaginable. Because how some artists work in the medium of watercolors or media, Pumpkin Fucker works in jizz, rubber, air, and creepiness…a true eclectic, genre-shattering master of his craft.

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He maintains his innocence, claiming “[the pool toy] done told me it was 18.”

Ohio Rock

Ohio Rock

Bobcat Goldthwait’s Big “Fuck You” to Jay Leno

There are few awesome things in the world that have been caught on tape but are not available for mass consumption on the internet. But unfortunately there are a select few videos that, for whatever reason, are not easily available or really available at all. One of these is of veteran comic-turned writer/director Bobcat Goldthwait setting his chair on fire on The Tonight Show back in 1994.

If you haven’t ever heard this story, there’s really not much to it. Bobcat just took out some lighter fluid and a grill lighter and set the chair on fire briefly before Jay Leno put it out with his standard talk show mug of water. It was very much out of nowhere and seemingly without explanation. Goldthwait hasn’t ever really given much of an answer as to why he did it besides saying “he thought it would be funny” and that it wasn’t because he was fucked up (he’s been sober for over 30 years).

But the “why” is often less important than the fact that it happened and this case is no different. And the fact that it happened to Jay Leno is pretty badass because he’s kind of a pompous douchebag. This is just speculation, but Jay Leno’s douchebaggery must have had something to do with it; at least he wasn’t such a non-douchebag that it stopped The Bobcat from doing it.

Goldthwait was ordered to pay nearly $4,000 in fines, including paying the nearly $700 for the chair, and do some fire safety PSAs (seriously). The only video I could find was from The Larry Sanders Show on which Bobcat appeared which I have included below. I would venture to say that NBC made it a point to not let the video out because it made a butt-hurt Jay Leno cry every time he saw it.

On another note, I would like to thank Microsoft for finally coming around and making spellcheck not give “douchebag” the red squiggly of incorrectness. Although they should also recognize “douchebaggery” as a word; and yes, there are two “G”s. 

http://youtu.be/W4sOyrZKjgg

A Call to End Cure Trafficking

Suboxone is a drug used to treat opiate addiction. It isn’t like Methadone or Subutex, but instead actually helps treat cravings. It changes addicts’ lives for the better. It could change more if frivolous regulations and profiteering weren’t preventing it. I recently wrote to Orman Hall, director of Ohio Department of Drug and Alcohol Addiction Services expressing my concerns and I can’t reword it any better so I figured I would just post it. Mr. Hall actually responded and seemed receptive, but we shall see. Here is the email:

Dear Mr. Hall,

For the better part of the last decade I have dealt with substance abuse including, but not limited to, heroin and other opiates. In my time hanging in circles of drug addicts, which I am proud to say I haven’t done for a long time, I have witnessed firsthand the effectiveness of the drug Suboxone. I have seen it quite literally save several peoples’ lives. It didn’t work for me since I had a severe drinking and cocaine problem as well and I just switched to those substances when I was on Suboxone, but it is most definitely effective for many hardcore, sick-without-dope opiate addicts. This is why I find it extremely troubling that Suboxone is extremely difficult to procure for many (I would even say the majority of) people who want and need it.

As you know, Suboxone can only be prescribed by physicians licensed by the DEA. This gives the small handful of professionals who are allowed to prescribe this drug a monopoly of sorts. They charge exorbitant fees which can only be paid out of pocket. In my experience, my insurance was charged and then another “consultation fee” of $150-$250 was charged per visit which could only be paid out of pocket; and this was the best price I could find in the Dayton area after contacting the 6-8 clinics that can prescribe Suboxone. Only a couple would take new patients. Of course most drug addicts have little to no money since they spend every dime they have on drugs. How are they supposed to afford this treatment? It is so bad that it is cheaper to buy it on the street. The supply is obviously very inconsistent since it relies on addicts selling them for less than they paid for drug money; a supply exponentially less consistent than the heroin and pill supply.

In a cruelly ironic twist, most of the physicians who are in the lucrative business of prescribing Suboxone are operators of pain clinics, which are of course mostly just pill mills-yes pill mills are alive and well in Ohio and it is common knowledge. This is one of the sickest forms of vertical integration I have seen. It is on par with the movie War Inc. in which the company who made bombs also made artificial limbs.

It seems that Suboxone is so heavily regulated because it is thought to be on par with drugs like Methadone and Subutex, which are entirely ineffective since all they do is get the addict high on a weaker, longer lasting opiate. The niloxin in the Suboxone not only makes withdrawals all but disappear; it makes cravings disappear as well. Also, I have never once met an addict who abuses Suboxone. This is because it doesn’t give you a buzz worth abusing, unlike Methadone and Subutex. It is a drug used for correcting one’s life as opposed to another opiate to use recreationally. The only people who take it are people who want to quit using. In fact, it is impossible to use opiates while on Suboxone because the niloxin is an opiate blocker. I would assume that there have been studies proving the “high potential for abuse” of Suboxone, but I can tell you that this is completely incorrect. Ask anyone who is or ever has been addicted to heroin and uses or has used Suboxone and they will tell you the same thing. This is simply something that can’t be argued because I have experienced it and witnessed it many times.

This may be a bunch of information that you already know, but honestly I hope this is the first time you are hearing this because if it isn’t it means that you are not doing anything to fix this tragic drug policy problem of which you have been aware. Suboxone needs to be deregulated so any physician can prescribe it; at the very least, so these small handful of doctors no longer have a monopoly on a drug that is as close to a cure for addiction as I’ve ever seen. A dentist and a pediatrician can prescribe Percocet and Vicodin (which were my first addictions) but only a select few can prescribe a drug which has benefits that exceed the negatives tenfold.

This is something that has bothered me for a long time. This policy is nothing but a huge hurdle in curbing the epidemic of opiate addiction. I think everyone can agree that less addiction is better for everyone in society. Hopefully you won’t take this with a grain of salt. If you really want to help people with addiction, make Suboxone available to them; point blank.

Sincerely,

Matthew Clary

Clips v. Magazines

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Some words are misused so often that the incorrect usage becomes commonplace (i.e. “literally” which literally irritates me every time I hear it misused). Another one that isn’t necessarily even on the radar of grammar Nazis, but is most definitely on the radar of gun nuts, is the use of “clip” instead of, or as a synonym of “magazine;” this is completely incorrect. The two are not interchangeable. A clip and a magazine are two different devices used for two different loading mechanisms.

A clip is a simple device that holds several rounds of ammunition together and is used only for easy-loading. You may recognize clips from WWII movies in which a strip of what looks like several rifle rounds glued together is jammed into a rifle. They are of course not glued together, but are individual rounds slid into the grooves of the clip forming an easily-loadable unit. There are several different types of clips but they all hold several rounds together for loading.

Magazines are what most people think of when they use the word “clip.” They are the ammo storage and feeding devices that are commonly found in semi-automatic and fully-automatic firearms. Not only do they hold ammunition, they feed it into the chamber of the weapon. Magazines hold rounds that are placed inside them as opposed to clips that just hold rounds together.  I would say rappers are some of the worst offenders when it comes to this mix-up. It could be blamed on the fact that “clip” is much easier to rhyme than “magazine,” but I’m not going to give them any leeway since they could just as easily rhyme the shortened version of magazine, “mag,” instead. I think rappers who say this, as well as most people, actually think that a clip is the same thing as a magazine or they don’t even know the term magazine at all because it is less commonly used despite being the correct term.  They would be laughed out of the room if they said that around a group of people who know about guns (because everyone likes to make people feel inferior for not knowing things that they know).  

So for example a Tech-9, a Glock .40 semi-auto, an AK-47, and most other semi-automatic and fully-automatic modern weapons use magazines instead of clips. The WWII era M-1 Garand, for example, uses a clip. This is not to say that there aren’t modern weapons that use clips, because there are. They are exclusively rifles. To put it in the simplest terms possible, if you can see the bullets and they are clustered together in a unit, it is a clip. If they are within a device that is part of or is loaded into a firearm, it is a magazine. So unless a rapper is riding around with a Mauser rifle or something of the sort, which I don’t think I’ve ever heard of, they are wrong when they say “clip.” And no, it doesn’t really matter and who gives a shit? Well, me and every person who belongs to a militia for starters.

My Favorite Fictional Junkies from TV and Cinema

Ah, the junkie; a very real yet very caricaturized group of individuals in pop culture. Since it is completely socially acceptable to mock, satire, and condemn drug addicts (one of the few groups left to hold this dubious distinction), there have been so many great junkie characters in cinema and television that have run the gamut from funny to scary to tragic and even cool; not unlike real life…well except the fact that these are two-dimensional characters, with maybe a couple exceptions, (I bet Quentin Tarantino would say that I’m wrong about Vincent Vega “None of my characters are two-dimensional, okay?”).

Here is a list of some of my favorite junkies from movies and television in no particular order.

NOTE: You will never catch me making a “Top 10” list because it is counterproductive since it will only make people concentrate on how wrong I am. Also, I think it is pompous, stupid, and bloggerish for a person to think they are an authority on what is the best anything. I only included fictional junkies that fit the description to a “T” so no Tony Montana (his chick was though, as he so eloquently put it “I got a fuckin’ junkie for a wife,” but she was a bitch so she didn’t make the list) because he was a drug lord before being a junkie, even though he was totally a junkie but with too much drugs to ever mess up, and no George Jung, Henry Hill, (who also had lots of money and drugs) John Holmes from Wonderland or Jim Carroll (Leo in Basketball Diaries) because they are based on real people, even though I think they are awesome junkies. And there are no characters from Requiem for a Dream because I honestly think that movie was an over-the-top Trainspotting rip. Oh, and I didn’t include drunks like Norm from Cheers and Barnie Gumble from The Simpsons because society has somehow separated “drunks” from “junkies.” Enjoy.

Sick Boy from Trainspotting (played by Johnny Lee Miller)

The clever, witty, sharply-dressed Scottish Bond fan and heroin addict stood out in a film with so many awesome junkie characters. Near the very beginning of the movie, Sick Boy delivers a wonderful monologue about how heroin has “great fucking personality” while casually shooting up a novice user and hiding his shit in a custom stash spot in his shoe.

Chris Moltisanti from The Sopranos (played by Michael Imperioli)

One of my favorite characters from one of my favorite shows, Chris was the humorously dull gangster on the rise who had a taste for everything from booze to meth with a penchant for heroin. He struggled with his sobriety while trying to make it in the Mafia. Often paired with the older, yet equally dull Paulie Gaultieri, Chris did some pretty terrible things (committing the first murder of the series) while remaining hilariously oblivious to his shortcomings and showing a side that it was hard not to pity in a way.

Tyrone Biggums from Chappellle’s Show (played by Dave Chappelle)

Possibly the funniest junkie on the list (yes, I’m considering crack heads junkies, I mean, society does), Tyrone Biggums made regular appearances on the legendary sketch show giving the worst drug education class ever (telling kids where to buy crack and about the first time he sucked a dick for crack) and winning the TV show Fear Factor by a mile since nothing can phase a crack head. As he so succinctly put it: “There’s something about me, Joe Rogan, that you might not know-I smoke rocks.”

Dave the Crackhead from Don’t be a Menace to South Central While Drinking You’re Juice in the Hood (played by Keith Morris)

You probably didn’t know his name, but you already know who I’m talking about. Such a small part but so hilarious. He’s got these cheeseburgers…

Bob Saget from Half Baked (played by Bob Saget, duh)

I’m seeing a trend here; Dave Chappelle and dick sucking junkies are fucking hilarious. Bob Saget of course angrily pops up at a 12 Step meeting outraged that Chappelle’s character Thurgood would have the nerve to claim to be addicted to marijuana. His memorable line: “I used to suck dick for coke (guy in background: “I seen him). You ever suck some dick for marijuana?”

Skinny Pete from Breaking Bad (played by Charles Baker II)

Another great junkie from a great show. Pete’s drug of choice is obviously meth since he’s on Breaking Bad but the dude just nails the stupid addict with a heart of gold role. Skinny Pete is always good for a stupid comment and even surprised us with his lovely piano playing skills. Baker also looks like he’s smoked more than a little speed in his day which only helps in this situation. To stick out as an awesome junkie character on a show filled with awesome junkies shows how great Skinny Pete is.

Terence McDonagh from Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (played by Nicolas Cage)

This might very well be the most obscure junkie on the list, but he is fucking awesome. He is a post-Katrina New Orleans detective who abuses his power in every way possible from confiscating drugs for his own evidence locker, fucking some girl in front of her boyfriend after finding drugs on them (which he takes of course), and blackmailing a college football star into shaving points. I think this movie and Cage are better than the original Bad Lieutenant with Harvey Keitel. The quintessential quote from this movie is where he is cracked out of his mind with Xzibit and says “You don’t have a lucky crack pipe? I have a lucky crack pipe” at the speed of light. Cage kills it in this one.

Vincent Vega from Pulp Fiction (played by John Travolta)

Okay Quentin Tarantino (because you’re totally reading my punk ass blog), Vincent Vega is a very layered character. He is much more than a two-dimensional junkie stereotype like Tyrone Biggums. He’s not even primarily a junkie but a gangster/hit man. But, he is totally a junkie. I have never witnessed a person who can mainline heroin recreationally. I’m sure there are a handful of strong individuals out there who like playing Russian roulette with their veins but I have yet to see one.

I just want to talk about basically everything Vincent Vega did and said in that movie because it’s all awesome: the dance contest, “What, stab her three times?”, and I will forever remember the face he makes when he says “That’s a pretty fucking good milkshake.” It’s worth a pause next time you watch’a da Pulp (Italian pizza man voice) just to bask in its awesomeness. It ranks up there with Deniro as Jimmy the Gent in Goodfellas, tongue out, stomping the shit out of Frank Vincent. Travolta nails it as a high-ass motherfucker and a badass; Royale with cheese and all.

Dirk Diggler from Boogie Nights (played by Mark Wahlberg)

Dirk, based on actual porn star/junkie John Holmes, has one of the biggest downfalls on the list going from the man with the golden dick to a reckless, desperate tweaker who carries out a botched robbery on a completely crazy drug dealer with a definite creepy gay vibe. As crazy as it gets in Boogie Nights, the robbery that John Holmes helped carry out in real life was actually much crazier and ended much more badly (See: Wonderland). He started out as a dumb but nice kid and turned into a dumb, conceited asshole. The drugs, women, and fame made his head as big as his prick.

Vitaly Orlov from Lord of War (played by Jared Leto)

Vitaly is another one of the lesser-known fictional junkies on the list, but still a favorite. See, this is how much I dislike Requiem; I place a far more obscure Jared Leto junkie character on the list before his famous lead role in a movie about straight-up heroin addicts. Vitaly is main character and international arms dealer Yuri Orlov’s (played by fellow junkie lister Nic Cage) younger brother. After being paid reluctantly in pure Colombian cocaine for an arms deal, the brothers celebrate. Vitaly has a little trouble stopping the celebration and disappears to a boarding house in South America where he is zooted out of his mind and has made a perfect map of his native Ukraine in cocaine when Uri finally tracks him down.

His innocence in the less-than-innocent world of arms trafficking, unabashed love of coke and booze, and excellent coke art put him on this list. Also the brilliance of the two nearly identical scenes where he begs for a last bump in the back of a limousine before being forced into rehab by his brother stuck with me due to the monotonous reality of being a drug addict; like most problem users he can’t “just quit” and rehab is not a cure.

Honorable Mentions:

Ezal (IMDB spelling) from Friday (played by Anthony Johnson)

Pooh Bear from The Salton Sea (played by Vincent D’Onofrio)

Skip from Dead Presidents (played by Chris Tucker)

Bubbles from The Wire (played by Andre Royo)

Pookie from New Jack City (played by Chris Rock)

Why it’s Called an “EF5” Tornado instead of an “F5”

The recent massive outbreak of tornadoes (proper plural, but “tornados” is also acceptable for you slackers) in Oklahoma and the even more massive 24-hour media frenzy brought to my attention the fact that the Fujita Scale (F0-F5), which I thought was the standard measurement of tornado intensity, has been replaced by the Enhanced Fujita scale (EF0-EF5). I know I can’t be the only one who’s last education regarding tornadoes was from that ballsy rebel with a soft side Bill Paxton in Twister. But I am way behind because the “F” has been replaced by an “EF” since 2007 in America. So what’s the difference?

The Fujita Scale, introduced in 1971 by Japanese storm expert Tetsuya Theodore “Ted” Fujita, approximated wind speed of tornadoes based on damage. For example: an F0, with wind speeds of 40-72 mph was categorized by minimal damage such as broken tree branches, while the 261-318 mph winds of an F5 caused houses to be lifted off their foundations; and of course the death of Helen Hunt’s father and her resulting passion for predicting tornado patterns. This scale became widely used simply because tornadoes can be so unpredictable and the people who are crazy enough to measure such things couldn’t always be there with their devil-may-care attitude and their propeller made of soup ladles (the proper term is of course “wind measuring ladle thing”).

The Enhanced Fujita Scale is basically just a more complex and refined version that is deemed a more accurate indicator of actual wind speeds. It takes into account more specific indicators of damage, most notably the difference in structures (a large shopping mall vs. a strip mall, for example).Critics of the F Scale claimed that it overestimated wind speed because structural integrity of different kinds of buildings was not taken into account. So the same damage which would have ruled a tornado an F5 with wind speeds of 261+ mph, is now ruled an EF5 with estimated wind speeds of only 200+ mph).

So the F Scale of the good ol’ days simply took less into account in regards to the measurement of damage. If you ask me, it was kind of a dick move to rename it. At least they let the now deceased Fujita remain the namesake of the revolutionary measurement system, but they could have just revised it. I can just see a bunch of weather nerds and engineers debating on what the new name should be. It seems they showed some restraint by not renaming it after the people who developed the new one and instead calling it “enhanced” as opposed to “revised” or “actually right” or something like that.

Map of Columbus’ four voyages to the Americas. He never went north of Cuba. Black = current names Blue = Columbus’ names. Missing: the names that the millions of people who already lived out here called the islands…oh but they weren’t white so history doesn’t care.

Imagine Barack and Michelle Obama, Bill Clinton, Al Gore,15 Senators, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, the Secretary of the Navy, the Chief of Staff of the Army, the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, the Director of the FBI, the head of the UAW, and, say, James Earl Jones as well as dozens of influential businessmen, military officers, and clergymen all die in a single plane crash…over China. Well the Polish version of that happened in 2010. Needless to say, it seems a bit fishy.